The Expendables

Rating – **

Don’t get me wrong, I like Sylvester Stallone, but these days he resembles a stroke victim whose arms have been amputated then replaced by a pair of erect vein-covered elephant penises (see photo above). There’s nothing hugely wrong with that (although IFAW might have some stern words with him), but it serves as a ludicrous distraction any time he contemplates getting “serious” as an actor. To be fair it’s not just Stallone. Half the cast have serious speech impediments or facial ticks which lead you to suspect they are all secretly deaf and faintly retarded after years of heat butting lumps of frozen meat. Their delivery of most of the dialogue supports this theory. However the one man who truly gets a chance to shine is Jason Statham. Less an actor, more the embodiment of a British Bull Terrier on a rampage, and that’s what makes him great. There’s still nowhere near enough great action in this film, but Statham gets the lion’s share in the few scenes which flirt with “awesomeness”. Mickey Rourke brings an unexpected touch of dignity to a monologue scene where he recalls some dark times in Bosnia. The actual script is unremarkable, but Rourke demonstrates his brilliance by injecting genuine sorrow to his delivery. Unfortunately the scene feels totally unrelated to the rest of the film, it’s like channel-hopping between Rambo and Schindler’s List.     

Elsewhere, The Expendables misses far too many targets.  A much hyped Stallone/Willis/Arnie on-screen smack down is nothing more than a bitchy mothers meeting in a church. Overall, the film simply isn’t well made, or fun enough, to justify the recruitment of its ensemble cast.


~ by thewholebuffalo on August 25, 2010.

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