Robin Hood

Rating **

To receive his superpower, Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, or genetically modified, depending on who you talk to. As for me, I can’t be sure what event endowed me with the abilities I’m about to disclose. I can’t climb walls or spin webs, but wrap your mind around this, I see films before they happen! Ok more specifically, I get a gut reaction to trailers. I see through the fancy editing and make a judgment that rarely proves to be misplaced… Maybe it’s not really a superpower,  I guess I’m just more like Rorschach. I deliver grumpy, gruff-voiced narcissistic internal monologues as I shuffle out of the auditorium with my hands in my pockets. “This movie is afraid of me. I have seen its true face”

How does this relate to Robin Hood? Well, I knew exactly how I would feel about the film, I just tried to convince myself otherwise. I told friends that I was looking forward to it, but deep down the truth was rotting away in my gut, festering like a rancid onion bhaji soaked in piss. The pedigree of Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe has already been called in to question in recent years (A Good Year, Body of Lies), the Gladiator days have long since passed, so maybe American Gangster was just a fluke? Scott can always be counted on scatter some evocative imagery throughout his films. He’s still probably the best visual artist working in modern cinema, I’ll never doubt that. As for Crowe, he’s one of my favourite actors so I don’t relish digging in to him like this. Although, storming out of that recent BBC Radio interview does make him a more legitimate target. How dare we question his accent?! Well, as it turns out…

When this project was announced it was called Nottingham, a fantastic twist would see the story told from the Sheriff’s perspective. The murderous deceitful outlaw “Robin Hood” was to be played by Christian Bale. I was excited to see that, but instead we got Crowe playing the wrong role and sounding as silly as he looks. His accent is simply ludicrous. It fluctuates with every syllable, making Robin’s birthplace harder to pin down than a coked-up python. After five minutes you’ll be craving for Yanky-Doodle Kevin Costner, including his mullet. Very little in this film works, the tone veers from dull to bland via some cheese and cliché. I wasn’t a happy man as the credits rolled. “Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings…. and call off Christmas!”

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~ by thewholebuffalo on May 18, 2010.

4 Responses to “Robin Hood”

  1. Ah good – it’s been a while. I was beginning to fear you had been banned from cinemas. This does conrifm all of my suspicions about this film and so eradicates any fleeting whim I had to see it.
    What about iron man 2? im still on the fence about seeing that.
    your review are usually always pretty spot on. apart from the whole star wars debate. i take it you’ve familiarized yourself with the arguments from this guy http://www.youtube.com/user/RedLetterMedia who pretty much buries any argument you have about the prequels.

    • Thanks Rich, good to be back. As for the age old Prequel debate, yes I’ve seen the RedLetterMedia reviews. They’re funny and full of insight. Yet it seems any film, including the beloved original Star Wars trilogy would collapse under such obsessive sarcastic scrutiny. Many of the points raised are “true”, I simply don’t share his views, what can I say. In fact, somebody should set about creating an equally thorough defence review….. hold up, now there’s an idea… and my journey towards social irrelevance will be complete.

      I’ll try to post on a more regular basis. Yes, be careful what you wish for!

  2. Good to see your back 🙂

    You need to post more often.

  3. Ok, I’m going to rock the boat now…as much as I value your film critiques James I quite enjoyed this film! Of course it wasn’t ground breaking and yes, Russell Crowe’s accent was debatable but there were some tense sword fights and a nice love story for us ladies! I think it is a perfectly enjoyable film for your average cinema-goer! 😉

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