Crank II: High Voltage

Rating – ***


I never thought it was possible to have your eyeballs raped, but I think that’s what may have happened in the cinema last night. Anyone who’s seen the original Crank may think they have a rough idea of what to expect. A mindless series of adrenalin fuelled stunts taken to outrageous excess. You know, the sort of thing that has since been repackaged via Shoot Em Up and Wanted. But no, these films feel like The Piano in comparison! This is a work of complete and utter smear-shit-on-the-wall-while-wearing-a-straight-jacket level insanity! Take every extreme Jackass clip you’ve ever seen, throw in all the worlds racist, homophobic pornography, and inject it all into the amputated brain of Quentin Tarantino. Then drop it in a bucket of hot acid laced with cocaine and testosterone. Do this one hundred times and you’ll be almost a quarter of the way to understanding the mindset of Crank II!

Remember how Statham’s character Chev Chelios ended Crank splattered on the pavement? Well, as the tag line states “He was dead, but he got better”. Before you can blink his body is scooped off the pavement by a gang and thrown in the back of a van. Naturally they steal his heart and replace it with a metal one. Chelios quickly escapes and goes on a Frankenstein-like rampage involving shotgun to anal passage interaction, and hyperactive Korean hookers. The whole time Chelios must jack himself with enough electricity to keep his “strawberry tart” pumping. I won’t mention the other surprises along the way but it’s safe to say that by the climax the film crosses over into another realm. After this it seems like a perfectly logical step for the inevitable Crank 3 to be set in space! I can see the pitch now – “They stole his brain and put it in the body of a space monkey who blasted off to Mars. Now he wants it back! Crank 3D – Zero G coming soon!”


How do you judge a film like this? The producers only goal was to deliver the kind of shit I’ve just described. They’ve succeeded. Does that make this a perfect film in it’s own right? After all, if it’s the kind of thing you’re after then you’ve hit the jackpot. Ultimately though, the film is pretty poorly made. Shot on hand-held HD cameras it resembles an MTV reality show. The insanity is constantly dialled up to 11 which can leave you feeling numb and desensitised after a while. However, we were all laughing loudly most of the time and it’s impossible to deny the entertainment value. We left the cinema in a disorientated daze, trying to process what we’d just witnessed. Fred sheepishly whimpered “I, I don’t want to see anymore violence for a long time” I replied “I think I’ll have trouble sleeping, I just want to go home and watch Bambi or something”.

Crank II is either the most horrible film ever made or perfect fodder to watch with your mates. Judge for yourself. Probably not a good first date film though!


~ by thewholebuffalo on July 19, 2009.

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